Sweet Dreams (Are Made of Anesthesia)
Here’s my surgery story.
Beginning January of 2016, I started working with my practitioner through BCBS to track the size of my left thyroid lobe. I couldn’t get prescribed birth control because of my issues with my thyroid, and ended up getting an IUD. (As someone who has never had a kid, that is still the worst minute of pain I’ve experienced). I spent about $6,000.00 to $7,000.00 out of pocket to go through biopsies, ultrasounds, bloodwork, check ups, you name it over the course of a year. In the end, we decided to not move forward with surgery at the time as it wasn’t needed since everything came back normal and benign.
At the beginning of this year, I talked to my practitioner through Kaiser and we decided that it was time to revisit the idea of surgery. I met with a specialist, got another ultrasound, did another biopsy (5 to be exact without numbing since they were able to use a smaller needle and the surface of my left lobe was so large), and it revealed that my goiters were officially putting pressure on my esophagus and were becoming more and more of a daily hindrance for me. This wasn’t new information to me, and it was validating to have my results finally reflect my extended discomfort. Some of the main things I would experience would be feeling the front of my esophagus touch the back (it would get worse if my throat was ever dry like during workouts and even cause me to have panic attacks because I felt like I couldn’t breath), if I was sick with any type of cold it would swell up and put additional pressure, and I would have auto immune responses to sicknesses.
We ended up meeting with my amazing surgeon on March 14th. Much like the time Jonny and I went skydiving and my instructor told me, “This is as mundane for. me as doing laundry is for you,” I found a great deal of peace in her calm demeanor. She didn’t take the conversation lightly by any means, and was straightforward about the potential complications and her successes in the past. Jonny, being the dear he is, came with me to each appointment so he also understood the assignment. Scheduling surgery was as smooth as it could be since I insisted on using her and she was booked out with cancer patients who every much deserved priority.
Starting May 15th, Jonny and I started doing the Haller Method together which is a stress management and nervous system training program. We are four weeks in out of eight, and our coach has already taught us so many ways to show up for each other that we would probably have never realized on our own. One of the things we discovered about me is I calm down fastest with quick coherence practices like imagining myself under my weighted blanket snuggling with Jonny and my teddy bear. We also learned about Jonny’s need to practice grounding and techniques like the Japanese thumb grounding technique. We have to do this thing where she attaches a heart rate monitor to us while asking us questions about our stressors to see how well we can regulate ourselves, and every time I would look at my heart rate, it would immediately increase. She asked me why and the truth was that it reminded me of being at the hospital and I would think about my surgery and what could go wrong in the blink of an eye. We worked on reframing this to what could go right, and I started to see a decrease in the intensity of how quickly my heart rate would increase.
June 11th rolled around and we were moving into our new place. It was my 31st birthday, and the move went smoothly. Jonny’s sweet sisters and mama surprised me with a GF/DF cake and some balloons and a surgery support bag of goodies. A couple of hours after getting stuff into our new place we found out that one of our close friend’s dad’s committed suicide that day. It was heartbreaking, and their family is still trying to figure things out, as I’m sure they will be for a long time. If you’re reading this, please know that as of July 15th, the official suicide hotline is being upgraded and updated to 988. This is the second suicide within two days within two years in our lives and I know others have experienced loss this way. I had to grieve and throw myself into getting settled in our new place and ready for surgery on the 13th. It was a very hard two days, and I’m still in shock. It still hits me like a tidal wave.
The night before and morning of surgery, I had to shower using Dial hand soap on my body and use no lotions or anything scented because of potential allergies of the team helping with my surgery. I wore Jonny’s slightly used tshirt (recommended by our coach to keep me calm the day of surgery since I would be able to smell him when I wasn’t able to be with him) and leggings. Me being me, I packed a suitcase and a reusable bag of things I knew I would want to have with me. In the suitcase were my teddy bear, weighted blanket, and two pairs of fuzzy socks. In the bag were two changes of clothes, one was a nightshirt with a pocket on the left boob, and the other was another pair of leggings and comfy t-shirt, and I couldn’t forget the cotton candy Jonny brought me back from Elitches the day before.
Monday morning, our amazing Mama B drove Jonny and I to the hospital in Denver, and we got there around 9:10AM, check-in was scheduled for 9:15AM. Every person we came across was so cute and sweet. The man who checked us in when we entered the hospital make a joke about something that I don’t remember because I was on a mission, but I remember laughing and feeling like I was exactly where I needed to be. We went up to the second floor; we got as comfy as we could on the waiting chairs of the Head and Neck Surgery Department. I got called back on my own which was unexpected. That was the only real moment of nervousness I felt all day. The nurse who took me to the back ended up being so sweet and amazing, that the next hour of blood pressure, weigh-ins, IV set up, and medical history review felt like ten minutes. She gave me a numbing shot on the side of my hand before attempting the IV and I am so incredibly grateful for it because now, 18 days later, I still have a bruise down the side of my wrist from where the needle was. My favorite part was the heated blanket they put on me. They even gave me comfy socks with ribbed bottoms so if I needed to go to the bathroom I wouldn’t slip. ;) My second favorite part was that my heart rate the day of surgery, before anything was given to me to help calm me down, was 99. LISTEN. Even going in for something routine, my heart rate would be 104 before this at the doctor’s office. And the DAY OF SURGERY, I was at a 99. Nervous system training works ya’ll.
Once I was situated, my sweet nurse brought Jonny in to me and he sat with me while person by person came in to ensure a smooth surgery. My surgeon told me there was an 80% chance I would be getting a drain tube. From our first meeting, this was a 5% chance, and due to the size of my growing goiters, it became basically inevitable. My anesthesiologist also came by and explained that I would be getting a breathing tube after I was out. This was a huge relief for me because I did NOT want to be awake for that part. This took about thirty more minutes. Jonny left right before they wheeled me back and they gave me my “two margaritas". To anyone who has any anxiety about these things, tell your surgeon about it in advance so they have an opportunity to order you something. It makes a big difference for your team to know what your fears are, including being very anxious about the day. I got wheeled back around 10:45AM, and remember ABSOLUTELY NOTHING until 3:45PM. I remember this, because as I was coming out of my anesthesia stupor, another person was reading the time to the nurse. Jonny and Mama B were telling me about what they already knew somehow even though I just woke up, and I heard them tell me that they glued my incision and had to pull my neck muscles and restitch them on the inside because of the size of what was removed. My left lobe was the equivalent of a fist and a half in size. WTF. I had luckily brought my nightshirt with the pocket, which held my drain bag perfectly as I was wheeled out of the hospital.
We already planned on sleeping it off a bit and relaxing with a movie back at Mama B’s house, and I was so exhausted and my drain was literally draining me to the point where I decided to stay the night there. Sweet Mama B actually slept on the floor that night which I didn’t know until the morning after. Jonny made sure I was taking my pain meds on three hour intervals as directed (two Tylenol every six hours and one Oxy every six hours) I felt awful, and incredibly grateful. We got back to our new apartment, and I set myself up with my pillow wedge (sleeping at a 30 degree angle as directed), and lots of water and a little soy sauce tray for my pillies. Jonny drained my drain tube and had to keep track of the amount of fluid and blood each morning and night. I would try to watch, but it made me nauseous and want to puke. I have a tendency to pass out when I see blood coming out of myself, and I do fine with other people’s. I went in to the hospital on Wednesday to get it removed and found out that I was still loosing about 2x more blood than I was allowed to get it removed. This was very sad to us both because it was horrible and I was desperate to get it out. That night, the amount of blood and fluid went from 20-25ML down to 7.5ML. HALLELUJAH. I also slept on the couch so Jonny would have a break from my constant alarms for my meds. We went back the next day and Jonny watched (I did not), as they pulled an eight inch, one centimeter thick drain out of the hole in my neck *gag sound. He admitted that he thought I was being dramatic about how painful it was, and that was the moment he said he would never doubt my pain again. To that I say, we’ll see haha.
The parts of the last 18 days that I was not prepared for included needing to shower one-handed because I have to always hold up my boobs or have a bra on otherwise they pull on my neck and hurt my incision. I am still using the antibacterial Dial soap to wash my body to reduce the chances of skin infections since I have had three this year so far. Sleeping on my back at a 30 degree to 40 degree angle is annoying and I keep trying to roll over which is very painful. I really had to ask for and accept help all the time. I got frustrated with people telling me how well I was healing. I looked like a crime scene victim, and one our friends finally said that to me and got confused when I was so happy to hear it. Like, no really, THANK YOU! It looks crazy, and I can’t let my mind wander about it. It is also healing really well. Two things can be true ;) The inconvenience of not being able to lift over 10 pounds for three weeks. I still can’t pick up my nieces and nephews, help finish furnishing our new place, or help with my office move physically. I was in A LOT of pain, so I was icing my incision area non-stop for four straight days. Every time I would take my meds, I would get a new ice pack, if not sooner so I was pretty delirious from not sleeping. It’s not supposed to be in the sun, so I’m basically a vampire right now. Wearing something to cover it is very uncomfortable, and is necessary because I understand and know people with medical trauma that I don’t want to trigger with my battle wound. When I was down to about 6 Oxy’s left, I started taking one each morning instead of every six hours because that’s when I was the most sore. I have been cleaning my glued area with baby wipes every day, and then I do an aquaphor massage on the area. This part was recommended by the nurses at surgery and when the drain was removed. I didn’t realize the lack of mobility I would have from the pulled neck muscles, and haven’t been driving for the last 18 days since I can’t turn my head really yet. I did go into the office three times the last two and a half weeks and was able to carpool with my awesome co-workers. Lastly, just how freaking happy and relieved I am to be done with it. I finally feel like I understand how women give birth. When you are SO FREAKING OVER IT, the thing needs to come out. Do whatever you need to do, cut this out of me. Also, grateful we didn’t choose to wait any longer. It was only getting bigger, and more uncomfortable. The process would have been even worse the longer I left it in. I am also glad I have a surgeon that explained to me in advance that I would be getting a drain tube and didn’t pass on it and have to add it in after-the-fact. That would have been awful.
I am here if you have any questions about this, or if you are planning on doing a similar surgery. This was the right choice for me, and is not the right choice for everyone. It is also worth mentioning that my pretty much sister had the same surgery five days before mine and she is now cancer-free! WHOO-HOO!!! She had a very different experience and had a different purpose. Do what is best for you, and push for what you need to be comfortable in your body. I have a 75% chance of not needing medication, and am beginning work with a specialist on the 22nd in addition to my nervous system work we will be resuming (hopefully next week) based on my recovery. Having a team I trust was shocking simple, as the first people I met with were the people I went with. This isn’t always the case, and I am grateful for my experience.
