I see a Blue Moon Rising
The Blue Moon on August 22, 2021 WRECKED ME.
It showed me things clearly that I needed to immediately improve on. Things that I thought I was doing better with. I was, but I wasn’t doing ENOUGH. I wasn’t being consistent. I wasn’t standing firmly in who I am and who I am becoming.
Reminder #1: Boundaries with my friends.
This is a struggle for me. I am so afraid of not being loved or upsetting someone that I just “go with the flow”. It’s really funny when you look at my relationship with Jonny where I set clear boundaries and say no, and feel totally comfortable doing that. With friends, I feel like the relationships aren’t as stable so I feel like I am responsible for keeping it going. If I don’t reach out, I don’t hear from people. This was true about my family and friends alike. Or, people would call me just to vent and emotionally dump and then leave. I rarely allowed myself to say “Hey, I appreciate you want to share this with me. I don’t have the capacity right now to hear this. Can we talk tomorrow?” I’m instead saying things like “Of course you feel that way, that fucker is an asshole.” OR “Tell me everything!” and make it gossip-y. FUCKED UP BULLSHIT, SHARON. Or, if a friend wants to go drink and wants to stay out later than I’m comfortable with, again, just “going with the flow” instead of communicating how I feel and acting in accordance with it.
Reminder #2: It’s okay to let relationships go.
It’s true, you know. What they say. Some people are meant to be around for a while, and others a lifetime. I used to force relationships and not let them flow. You have a choice to by my friend or to not be my friend. I have a choice too. I can decide this relationship isn’t working for me and let it go. And let myself grieve the loss. The tainted memories, and the could-have-beens.
Reminder #3: No one will validate my story.
No one besides me, not even Jonny, has any idea everything I have experienced. Everything I have healed from. Everything I am still healing. Everything really involved with all of it. So I need to stop waiting for them to validate it. I have to do that for myself and know that is enough. Taking this pressure off of my relationships has helped me to stop taking things so personally. You are going to see me through your lens. These may be rose-colored, rage-colored, trauma-colored, etc. And that’s your business. My job is to be myself and true to myself.
Reminder #4: Feel the emotions.
All of the emotions. There are not “bad” emotions. There is no morality assigned to emotions. They are information. I can also ask my emotions to wait until I give myself time to process them in an appropriate setting.
I cried every day for a week after that. Physically purging all of the pieces of things I was still holding on to. I swear, I feel like I lost twenty pounds. Everything feels lighter and clearer.
With Love,
Sharon Storlie
