I Think We’re Alone Now… Actual Entries From My Journal
February 15, 2022
I’m working on ridding my life of thought addiction. I hadn’t thought of my thinking habits as an addiction previously, and now that I do, I can’t stop. I used to identify as an over-thinker. Am I really, or do I need to practice not thinking? I was trained with meditation and grounding techniques to become present by naming the things around me and my emotions. Now that I am capable of doing this regularly and with ease, what if I stop naming things? What if I allow myself to be fully present without a thought. I used to believe that I couldn’t enjoy a moment without cataloging it in my mind. Now, I can see that this is me using my brain as it’s own instagram feed. I’m not enjoying the moment as it’s happening, I’m reliving the moment and enjoying it more later. What a weird thing to be addicted to.
Today has been a lot. Thyroid stuff, family stuff, combinations of health problems and family stuff. Listening to an audiobook about BPD is so much information. I’m glad I’m continuing to learn. Rewatching Dollface to remind myself that friends are important and holing up in my room is not an option. Not for long at least.
December 22, 2021
I am so angry. I feel like I’m losing control of my anger. It is pouring out of me. I had to punch a pillow last night to be able to lay down and go to sleep.
I never used to have to work hard. I used to do just enough to pass and then stop altogether. I used to/and still can be/obsessed with getting credit. If I had an idea, I NEEDED people to know it was mine. This happened during cheer, and recently with other people.
I had a dream about my old cheer-mates. I think the way my friends have made me feel recently reminded me of high school. Not feeling good enough. I am though. I am good enough. I am enough. I love the person I am becoming and I want to surround myself with people that do too. Not people that disrespect me and my boundaries that I worked so hard to create. I have NO TIME for that. I am not choosing them over me. I am choosing me. It feels really good to write that down. I’m grateful that they once again showed me exactly who they are. I can believe that. I am choosing to focus my time on my family and friends that have shown me they will show up for me. No one did anything wrong, and I am not going to take anything out on them.
January 13, 2022
Good morning, Mexico!
Naked journaling because today I am choosing to love my body and how it looks right now. I accidentally took a sip of champagne last night. Boo hoo, oh well. I can’t undo it, but I did continue to choose water after it happened. I didn’t even realize it, which is the weird part. It wasn’t until the bubbles died on my tongue afterwards. I don’t remember picking up the glass or putting it down. I did it completely mindlessly. Just proves how easy it is to fall back into old habits. The difference this time is I didn’t use it as an excuse to drink more. I snapped back into reality and made the decisions I needed to make. I’m proud of how I handled it. I need to continue to stay aware. I’m on HONOR ROLL! Yay me! I am so excited my hardworking is paying off! I love me! I validate me ;)
