Everything I am
Here we go again.
I slept through another New Year. (I had COVID last New Years, and fell asleep around 7:30PM.) To be fair, I used to get WASTED on New Years Eve and use it as an excuse to get black out drunk and do literally anything I wanted, consequences be damned. Therefore, me falling asleep at the reasonable hour of 9:45PM this year feels like a win. I usually am the type of person to set New Years Resolutions promptly, and this year, I decided not to do it that way. I’m instead working on monthly, smaller goals that are in-line with the identity I want to embody. One of my current goals is to read an average of two books a month and record the name of the book and the date completed on a tracking sheet. Last year, I set the annual goal of reading 24 books in a year. I didn’t track this, so from December 15th to the end of the year I read four books because I couldn’t remember how many I did read. It didn’t work very well. And I hate feeling rushed, especially when it’s completely self-inflicted and avoidable. Feeling rushed is a big trigger for my anxiety and I’m making the choice to not be the person who needs to rush. Realistically I read much more than this, and listen audiobooks, and podcasts, and take masterclasses, but I really suck at tracking what I do and genuinely forget a lot of the time. If I get better at tracking what I am actually doing, I feel much more accomplished in the long run instead of disappointed.
I think there is a toxic aspect of New Years Resolutions that ties our worth to what we accomplish in a year. I have done this to myself, and stopped a few years ago. I don’t really do bucket lists the same way other people do either. I’ve been able to trace this back to my BPD diagnosis several years ago. Because I internalized this, and already acted like the type of person who didn’t have a clear identity, bucket lists and resolutions were an external thing that people would assign value to me for having. Oh! Your goal this year is to lose 20 pounds! Amazing, good for you! The reality was I didn’t need the resolutions, I needed to feel loved and supported, and was doing whatever I could to get people to fill voids I was unable to fill for myself at the time. Thank GOD I’m done with that bullshit. I never feel COMPLETELY unloved now because of how much I love myself. I can tell when I’m not welcome, or loved or supported by others, however that no longer impacts my self-worth. Now, I base my goals off of my identity.
I am the type of person who values education over entertainment. This identity is supported by me going back to school and the type of reading I do on my own. I still love silly TV Shows, podcasts, and naughty romance books, but they are no longer all that I consume. When I was in therapy A LOT, it was an amazing comfort to come home and watch my favorite TV Show on repeat and decompress. I’m no longer in this state, and need to feed my mind, body and soul accordingly.
I am the type of person who takes care of my hair and skin. This has been a doozy. I box dyed my hair for a long time, and had a few different horrible experiences trying to pay someone to give me blonde hair in a single visit. March of last year, I met my current (freaking amazing) hair girl, and I haven’t looked back! My skin growing up was a big insecurity of mine. I would breakout on my neck, chest, back, face, etc. I have had a solid skin care routine for a few years now and it’s simple, but it works for me. I can happily say that my actions officially match this identity.
I am the type of person who nourishes my body. This is the one I have struggled with the most. Between Anorexia Nervosa and Binge Eating Disorder, and again the way I internalized and clinged to these as my identity for a long time, I have been the most inconsistent with how I fuel my body. I am still actively working on this one. I haven’t had any alcohol for close to six months. I haven’t had coffee in close to four. I have been gluten, dairy and soy free for the last five weeks. My body’s needs change, and I have to be ready to change with it. I have a feeling with this one that it may be the way I stay for the rest of my life. Between my thyroid, gut health, and anxiety, cutting each of these out has only made me feel better. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, if it wasn’t for the immediate reward of not feeling like shit (and I mean LIKE SHIT, like stabbing feelings in my stomach, not sleeping, fatigued all the time, brain fog, etc.) I don’t know if I would be able to stick with any of these. It’s fun to be a little tipsy and dance and have a good, carefree time. For me, it never looked like that, though. Alcohol made me the most anxious. Did I do something wrong? Do I remember what I did? Did I cry and make a fool of myself? Not to mention feeling hungover for days. No joke. To those of you that have healthy relationships with alcohol, you are superstars. When I wasn’t using alcohol to burry my feelings, or bring out my feelings, I was using it to be social around people that don’t even care about me. What a waste. Breaking news, if you don’t like me sober, you sure as fuck will not like me drinking.
I am the type of person that is 100% myself in every situation. WHOOP, there it is. JK guys, THIS is the one I struggled with the most. There would be people in my life that all saw a different side of me. And by that I mean, a different favorite song, a different favorite show, a different laugh, a different person. Now, the only different side of me you will see is the one that I feel like being. I don’t share everything with everyone (you are the exception, don’t tell), and if we don’t get along, I’m not going to suck your ass to try to change your mind. If I don’t like you, or something you say or do, I will let you know. This is the easiest and also the hardest. Growing up, I would change my entire personality to whatever TV show or movie character everyone liked at the time. This is how you make friends, just become someone that everyone likes, right?! WRONG! I will never be liked by everyone. Thank goodness for that. I can now focus on the people in my life worth focusing on, and they are the ones that love and accept me for ME.
That’s all I have for now. Love you babes.
Sharon Storlie - Squiggly Healing
